Everything, as in people: the house, husband, family, work. Besides everything is fine, but there is no luck. Women tend to accumulate and endure, hoping their partner will understand everything. And then comes the realization that this will never happen. The divorce that you so much wanted to avoid,Now it seems the only right decision.
Many “good girls” have a family life unloading into a very similar scenario.
Why do good girls get divorced into 2?
In disputes, the husband is even more often said: “Everything is fine, what is wrong now?” But much is not right. And it’s not good.
Almost all my friends are “good girls”. They obedient mother, teacher, piano teacher and taught in 1 and 2. Then they entered the institute, graduated with a red diploma. One by one is married. Because after the institute it’s time to marry. Everyone immediately gave birth. Because “a child is happy” and that’s all.
Years passed on 1-25. It’s getting dark. Divorce began.
Discuss the past few years, the accumulated grievances and difficulties we found a lot of similar details. Despite the fact that people and circumstances are completely different.
The first year, and sometimes the first decade of life together, are not remembered by anything. In general. Something happened, of course. A child, a house, new recipes, a cottage with a mother-in-law … But it’s not exactly something a woman can remember. All revelations, incidents, victories and peoples, were related to the house, to the child, to her husband – not just her wife. She is adapted to the new circumstances and every day she passed a new exam. It is as if remembering the school, we can’t remember anything else like the formula of aluminum carbonate or rivers in Africa.
Relationships almost all the way, according to this scheme: he lives, it adapts. It’s amazing, but young, smart and pretty girls don’t feel their own boundaries at all. There are no abrasions and no suit between the spouses, because his wife was accepted. Sometimes there were attempts to repeat the model of an authoritative mother or grandmother, but they broke up a monster scandal after the young woman and mouth did not open. I just took all the family failures at my own expense. Taking responsibility for everything and effectively, like Mario from a computer game, jump over all the hammocks and dangerous moments.
For the first 5-8 years, the woman tried to “be smart”. I have to argue that various (non-disinfecting manipulators) techniques sought some of their goals … The most important thing for a person to feel like a man! So he did not even understand why she wanted it, and he decided not to. I look at family albums of those years, and I see a very diligent young woman who has a perfect order, the child in the lace sits in her arms, almost silent, almost unleashed … Tenderloin with recipes from the magazine “Lisa” On the corner, in a corner of the hula-hole.
And at night we called each other and called, because in four walls it was lonely, it was difficult for the husband and the child to worry about. But still coped with the load, because “so necessary.”
After a while, the woman returned to work. A good girl can’t just go back to work – she does everything there. He imprisons himself in his working projects, constantly discovers work at home and at home, devotes less time to his family and economy. My husband was not used to this and started to get angry: “Why do you need this? I would have been better at home, I was engaged in children.” Next is a long, tedious dispute over a few years. While the hairs taper, while organizing the child and life, struggles for the right to be the successful woman.
The times of the cold are coming. There is no old idyll, relations are perpetuated by eternal mutual despair. The woman understands that the rules she lived for years are not her rules. That everything should be agreed on the coast. But good girls do not dictate their rules to anyone. They do what they say. And now to deploy this train is a million-dollar job.
In disputes, the husband is even more often said: “Everything is fine, what is wrong now?” But much is not right. And it’s not good. That is, we are changing, and in the relationship it would be necessary to change something. But for those changes, the eternal willingness of a good girl to do everything on the top five is not enough. Both spouses often say words that are hard to forget. And sometimes they do what just doesn’t say goodbye.
The husband sees his wife with different eyes. It is imperative for every good girl, when she suddenly starts to achieve some success in work, work or in a hobby, there is a time when the husband suddenly begins to look at her with different eyes. And he is the initiator of rapprochement. But for some reason all his attempts seem so unhappy, so insignificant against the background of years gone by. Yes, and it seems to him that full-fledged joy for his own wife – it is somehow mad. But to take out the trash in the mornings is okay, he can go to such a sacrifice. Or take a weekend out in a nice hotel …
And suddenly, the woman sees that the family responsibilities of the spouses are divided into two unequal graphs – his salary and everything else. It’s all – from washing to vacation, installing a new washing machine – from him. Because after a long-term decision, they do not immediately take up a job with a high salary, which means that the husband makes a living, she does the rest. And this is a million small and large tasks that need to be solved on a daily basis. And next to her husband is a neighbour who is fun as she clumsily glues the wallpaper. And then you don’t want to have a question. If you suddenly have a well-paid job, what man?
Now my friends are incredibly beautiful women for kids. True, beautiful – I rarely see such people in the movies. At work they have stability, a lot of ideas and plans, a child grows up … But if we talk about personal, then the conversation usually does not go away. Or it comes down to not very pleasant memories. Such a person as she has for many years is not needed. And there are never others. A good girl has a major boss, a teacher and her mother – herself. And she simply avoids unnecessary and unpredictable pressure.
These are quite prosperous messages in general well-off people. They all look for something, lost something, something else they would find and reinterpret what they lived through.
But I still think why? Of course, I’m solely women’s solidarity, I have many questions about these stories. But I also see that it is impossible to hang them alone for a different family. If a person is constantly giving something and without a murmur, he will be used to it and approved. And many years later, when he heard that it was not pure ultrasound, but wanted some kind of beachwear, he was surprised. “Yes, once you did, but in a whisper, hinted, but I do not understand. I called, but I thought it was PMs only.” And when many years later they remind us of a shock to a man! If he heard it at all, he would remember all this,
How can we not be afraid to talk about how you feel? Insist on his own childhood, his youth?
How would we learn to speak to each other in order to be heard? Perhaps, in the text of the marriage vows include special sacred words, which means that the partner has reached the limit of patience and will be uttered – is extremely important? For example, “I swear by this word” I at zero “the most serious about her comment,” or “promise at the word” Hiroshima “immediately stop the conversation, fight, fight and remember her eyes under the veil …”